Facebook Yoga Group Thread From Hell (Hopefully, a Requiem)

If you appreciate this satire, please consider supporting Cybersmile.


OP: Hi everybody! I love this group! I hope you can help. I have a question about this thing in yoga: [insert whatever]. I’m wondering if you have any advice or resources to share. I’m writing this OP in good faith with an upbeat tone. I know that I might not be using the most correct language — after all, I’m just starting out as a teacher! I’m hoping that won’t matter, because we’re all learning together, and you all want to help, right? Thanks!


Commenter 1 (C1): [That thing in yoga you’re asking about] has nothing to do with real yoga. Can’t believe you’re going to be teaching.

OP: um okay well I’m just starting out thanks

C2: Great post! I’m so glad you asked! Here’s a link to my new online programme! I cover it all in detail. PM me for a discount code!

OP: uh um thanks?

C3: I’m actually a specialist in [that thing in yoga you’re asking about]. My friendly and supportive comment here will try to inform you on some basics about that thing and encourage you to learn more. I’ll include some helpful free resources through these links.

OP (to C3): Wow that’s really helpful! Thank you so much.

C4 (to C3): I seriously can’t believe this. Like, wow.

C3 (to C4): um…?

C4 (to C3): It’s totally irresponsible to give out advice on such a sensitive topic on the internet. Only narcissists issue such strong opinions.

C1: Asana is only one of the eight limbs. Duh.

C5: Hey, here’s an anecdote I’ll just leave here as if it were data! I hope it helps!

C1: Never mind that – here’s my link-dump on meditation, the REAL yoga.

C3 (to C4): Pardon me: the OP asked for advice on that thing I’m familiar with. Can you tell me what the problem is?

C4 (to C3): Who are your teachers?

C3 (to C4): Arguments from authority are weak. But here is an informative listing of my qualifications anyway, because I am hopeful that the instant hostility on this thread is just a weird blip.

C2: Mercury’s in retrograde.

C7 (to C2): that’s pseudoscience but hey this is the yoga world lol

C4 (to C3): How much do you practice?

C6: Where’s the yoga in all this?

C7 (to C6): not here that’s for sure, yoga’s dead lol, it’s been a joke for a long time

C4 (to C6): Stop tone-policing. I’m talking about a serious matter here.

C2 (to C6): I answer the precise question of “where the yoga is” in my new online programme. Also I teach a system for avoiding injuries while doing extreme poses. It’s really good if you’re conflicted.

C3 (to C4): So I practice everyday.

C4 (to C3): Fat lot of good that’s doing you. I’m practicing right now. Typing mudras.

C8: This OP is anti-Hindu.

C7:  how would you know aren’t you from Iowa

C9: Well I’m not anti-Hindu. Look, I have a Sanskrit name!

C7:  every becky who goes to rishikesh gets a sanskrit name, hundred rupees lol

C1: Modern yoga isn’t yoga. Here’s another link that proves it.

C4 (to C1): Yeah it’s totally ruined. Totally. No redeeming features about it all. 99% bimbos running the show. Pure shit. Actually pure shit would be better.

C3 (to C4): Are you sure you’re not talking about your own crippling self-doubt, projected outwards onto any target you think will get sucked in to “dialoguing” with you?

C9: I’m totally with you, C4. My practice involves typing the word “yoga” over and over again into comment threads with an increasing internal feeling of importance. Here’s a link about mantras.

C8 (to C9): You want some cookies for that Sanskrit name?

C5: Guys! If I post an emoji, can we all get along?

C4 (to C5): Emojis are at the root of spiritual bypassing. That’s how cults get started. (To C3): How dare you. I’ve been answering the OP’s question in my lived experience for 25 years. I talk about it in every class. At length. My class numbers keep going down, even while I become a better teacher. Kids these days don’t want to hear me talk about the truth of yoga. Here’s a GIF that shows how I really feel.

C10: It’s all the fault of that non-profit organization!

C4: You mean the one we don’t belong to.

C10 (to C4): Yeah! Plus my dad thinks that the OP is stupid. He’s too cool for Facebook though. I love my dad.

C11: Well you know who I blame. That guy. He’s so negative. Always tearing down yoga.

C4 (to C11): Actually he’s a corporate stooge, building up the anti-yoga.

C11 (to C4): He’s a Cultural Marxist. That’s the real problem.

C10 (to C4): He’s a Marxist Snowflake Appropriator, and he won’t get away with it. My associates and I will totally expose him with lazy innuendo, Jordan Peterson videos, and lots of memes.

C4: While we’re at it, allow me to casually defame someone else. That’s what dissidents do!

C12: So here’s my complex contribution, larded with jargon and circular clauses. Even though I’m so busy with other much more important work, I’m aiming for this comment to be very long. I’ll make it appear even longer by including no line breaks. I know you all won’t read it, and this is already increasing my frustration at never being listened to or properly recognized for all this work I don’t have time for and at the same time, is crucially necessary, and at the same time, I feel so far above.

OP: So now I’m feeling really ashamed and will leave this slightly defensive comment to show it.

Admin: C4, the rules don’t allow for ad hominem attacks.

C4: Oh yeah? Well you telling me that is the very definition of an ad hominem attack.

C10: The OP is getting defensive, folks. Everybody screen-cap this. It’s an important dialogue that shows how off the rails the yoga world is. Don’t let the OP destroy the evidence just because she doesn’t like the “tone” of our responses. Remember folks — she’s going to be teaching out there. Think of what could happen. Just think about it. Harder. That’s not hard enough.

C13 (to C10): Screencapping is a genius idea. You’re a stand-up guy. A real hero.

C10 (to C13): Just doing my best here. You know, like Arjuna. I’m also practicing semen retention.

C13: (to C10): Sounds so interesting. Is it uncomfortable?

C10 (to C13): No more uncomfortable than screencapping. It’s just about storage space. If you offload later into a private group it’s all good.

C5: Will this funny GIF lighten things up?

C14: Are the admins watching this? Hello? I’m concerned about the effect of this thread on people’s willingness to ask for advice and resources.

Admin (to C14): I usually feel like banning everybody, TBH. I fucking hate this job. Like, I totally hate it. Like you can’t even understand. Sometimes it makes me feel violent. I’m glad I’m stuck in my basement apartment or who knows what I would do. But according to the posted rules, nobody’s strictly violated protocol here. So am I supposed to just suck it all up? For how long? And I’m doing this for free?

C3 (to Admin): What about diagnosing someone with narcissism in a comment thread? Is that protocol?

Admin (to C3): Yeah we might have to sharpen up the rules.

C15 (to Admin): You sound like you’re under a lot of stress. Have you tried dōTERRA? PM me.

C10: While you waste time sharpening up the “rules”, billions of people are being severely injured in yoga classes throughout the world and possibly elsewhere because they’re not going to the right workshops, and because they believe that that non-profit is protecting them like my dad would. It’s happening at this very moment. You hear that ripping sound? There goes another labrum.

Admin: Actually that was the sound of me screaming over my lonely laptop as I tear out tufts of my hipster beard. Seriously guys I’m in bad shape.

C13 (to C10): Thank you for taking a strong stand. I love that you manage to do it without mansplaining. Can you explain to me how you do that? Maybe you should be the admin, since that guy doesn’t seem to have the balls for it. ♥♥♥

C7: Here’s an inspiring picture of a celebrity doing yoga. We should all follow his humble example and unite for world peace.

C3 (to C10): Billions of people? That sounds terrible. Do you have any data on that?

C4: Why are my comments being deleted? And who needs data? My practice is my data. Plus all of the seriously sociopathic comments here. All I’m doing is just reading – I knew yogalalaland was bad, but this is a new low.

C10: There are some really good online workshops that go into that data. Here’s an affliliate link. OMG do you hear that tearing? I can’t sleep at night.

C12 (to C4): Maybe you can’t see your comments because people are blocking you.

C4 (to C11): Here’s a long description of my outrage at the thought of being blocked! I’ll go on and on, and after all kinds of verbal arm-flailing, I’ll eventually get around to my main point, which is that blocking is not Satya. Or Viveka. NOBODY should block me or what I have to say. That’s not Ahimsa. People should be forced to read and contemplate my random insinuations and challenges to their integrity. Otherwise we can’t be in relationship, and that’s not yoga. YOGA MEANS YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME. That’s what sruti means, right? “What is heard.” The Rishis didn’t block the srutis, did they? DID THEY?

C7 (to C4): Using a few Sanskrit words to make yourself look superior is anti-Hindu.

C3: uh-oh we’re getting into caps-lock territory

C14: OP, I really appreciated your question and I hope this thread doesn’t dampen your enthusiasm for yoga.

C10: Oh sure. All we need is more “enthusiastic” people thinking they know something about yoga. Think of all the injuries. People bleeding out of their whatever. Oh the humanity! Here’s that link again. Discount ends tomorrow!

OP (to C14): Thank you for your concern. I don’t think I want to do this any more.

Admin: Me neither. Hey you fuckers, ruining my life – how about deleting all of your stupid, whining, pre-adolescent threads? How about just deleting your accounts? I haven’t survived into my forties to be thrown back into Lord-of-the-Flies-in-yoga-pants high school shit.

C10: Screencap! Quick!

C15 : When I roll on my Purify dōTERRA blend of jasmine, citrine, and vertiver, all the negativity around me just vanishes! I have free samples. PM me.

C1: Screencapping just makes more vrittis, samskaras, and vasanas in the data-chitta. That’s Kaliyuga for you.

OP: [Deletes thread. Googles “Somatic Experiencing”.]

1 Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *