{"id":7120,"date":"2017-11-19T13:05:37","date_gmt":"2017-11-19T18:05:37","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/matthewremski.com\/wordpress\/?p=7120"},"modified":"2017-11-19T13:05:37","modified_gmt":"2017-11-19T18:05:37","slug":"facebook-yoga-group-thread-hell-hopefully-requiem","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/matthewremski.com\/wordpress\/facebook-yoga-group-thread-hell-hopefully-requiem\/","title":{"rendered":"Facebook Yoga Group Thread From Hell (Hopefully, a Requiem)"},"content":{"rendered":"

If you appreciate this satire, please consider supporting Cybersmile<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n

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OP: Hi everybody! I love this group! I hope you can help. I have a question about this thing in yoga: [insert whatever]. I\u2019m wondering if you have any advice or resources to share. I\u2019m writing this OP in good faith with an upbeat tone. I know that I might not be using the most correct language — after all, I’m just starting out as a teacher! I\u2019m hoping that won\u2019t matter, because we\u2019re all learning together, and you all want to help, right? Thanks!<\/h4>\n

 <\/p>\n

Commenter 1 (C1):<\/strong> [That thing in yoga you\u2019re asking about] has nothing to do with real yoga. Can’t believe you’re going to be teaching.<\/p>\n

OP:<\/strong>\u00a0um okay well I’m just starting out thanks<\/p>\n

C2:<\/strong> Great post! I\u2019m so glad you asked! Here\u2019s a link to my new online programme! I cover it all in detail. PM me for a discount code!<\/p>\n

OP:<\/strong>\u00a0uh um thanks?<\/p>\n

C3:<\/strong> I\u2019m actually a specialist in [that thing in yoga you\u2019re asking about]. My friendly and supportive comment here will try to inform you on some basics about that thing and encourage you to learn more. I\u2019ll include some helpful free resources through these links.<\/p>\n

OP (to C3):<\/strong> Wow that\u2019s really helpful! Thank you so much.<\/p>\n

C4 (to C3):<\/strong> I seriously can\u2019t believe this. Like, wow.<\/p>\n

C3 (to C4):<\/strong>\u00a0um\u2026?<\/p>\n

C4 (to C3):<\/strong> It\u2019s totally irresponsible to give out advice on such a sensitive topic on the internet. Only narcissists issue such strong opinions.<\/p>\n

C1:<\/strong> Asana is only one of the eight limbs. Duh.<\/p>\n

C5:<\/strong> Hey, here\u2019s an anecdote I\u2019ll just leave here as if it were data! I hope it helps!<\/p>\n

C1:<\/strong> Never mind that \u2013 here\u2019s my link-dump on meditation, the REAL yoga.<\/p>\n

C3 (to C4):<\/strong> Pardon me: the OP asked for advice on that thing I\u2019m familiar with. Can you tell me what the problem is?<\/p>\n

C4 (to C3):<\/strong> Who are your teachers?<\/p>\n

C3 (to C4):<\/strong> Arguments from authority are weak. But here is an informative listing of my qualifications anyway, because I am hopeful that the instant hostility on this thread is just a weird blip.<\/p>\n

C2:<\/strong> Mercury’s in retrograde.<\/p>\n

C7 (to C2):<\/strong> that\u2019s pseudoscience but hey this is the yoga world lol<\/p>\n

C4 (to C3):<\/strong> How much do you practice?<\/p>\n

C6:<\/strong> Where\u2019s the yoga in all this?<\/p>\n

C7 (to C6):<\/strong> not here that\u2019s for sure, yoga’s dead lol, it’s been a joke for a long time<\/p>\n

C4 (to C6):<\/strong> Stop tone-policing. I\u2019m talking about a serious matter here.<\/p>\n

C2 (to C6):<\/strong> I answer the precise question of \u201cwhere the yoga is\u201d in my new online programme. Also I teach a system for avoiding injuries while doing extreme poses. It’s really good if you’re conflicted.<\/p>\n

C3 (to C4):<\/strong> So I practice everyday.<\/p>\n

C4 (to C3):<\/strong> Fat lot of good that\u2019s doing you. I\u2019m practicing right now. Typing mudras.<\/p>\n

C8:<\/strong> This OP is anti-Hindu.<\/p>\n

C7:\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0how would you know aren’t you from Iowa<\/p>\n

C9:<\/strong> Well I\u2019m not anti-Hindu. Look, I have a Sanskrit name!<\/p>\n

C7:\u00a0<\/strong>\u00a0every becky who goes to rishikesh gets a sanskrit name, hundred rupees lol<\/p>\n

C1:<\/strong> Modern yoga isn\u2019t yoga. Here\u2019s another link that proves it.<\/p>\n

C4 (to C1):<\/strong> Yeah it\u2019s totally ruined. Totally. No redeeming features about it all. 99% bimbos running the show. Pure shit. Actually pure shit would be better.<\/p>\n

C3 (to C4):<\/strong> Are you sure you\u2019re not talking about your own crippling self-doubt, projected outwards onto any target you think will get sucked in to \u201cdialoguing\u201d with you?<\/p>\n

C9:<\/strong> I\u2019m totally with you, C4. My practice involves typing the word \u201cyoga\u201d over and over again into comment threads with an increasing internal feeling of importance. Here\u2019s a link about mantras.<\/p>\n

C8 (to C9):<\/strong> You want some cookies for that Sanskrit name?<\/p>\n

C5:<\/strong> Guys! If I post an emoji, can we all get along?<\/p>\n

C4 (to C5):<\/strong> Emojis are at the root of spiritual bypassing. That\u2019s how cults get started. (To C3):<\/strong> How dare you. I\u2019ve been answering the OP\u2019s question in my lived experience for 25 years. I talk about it in every class. At length. My class numbers keep going down, even while I become a better teacher. Kids these days don\u2019t want to hear me talk about the truth of yoga. Here’s a GIF that shows how I really feel.<\/p>\n

C10:<\/strong> It\u2019s all the fault of that non-profit organization!<\/p>\n

C4:<\/strong> You mean the one we don’t belong to.<\/p>\n

C10 (to C4):<\/strong> Yeah! Plus my dad thinks that the OP is stupid. He\u2019s too cool for Facebook though. I love my dad.<\/p>\n

C11:<\/strong>\u00a0Well you know who I blame. That guy. He\u2019s so negative. Always tearing down yoga.<\/p>\n

C4 (to C11):<\/strong> Actually he\u2019s a corporate stooge, building up the anti-yoga.<\/p>\n

C11 (to C4):<\/strong> He’s a Cultural Marxist. That’s the real problem.<\/p>\n

C10 (to C4):<\/strong> He’s a Marxist Snowflake Appropriator, and he won\u2019t get away with it. My associates and I will totally expose him with lazy innuendo, Jordan Peterson videos, and lots of memes.<\/p>\n

C4:<\/strong> While we\u2019re at it, allow me to casually defame someone else. That\u2019s what dissidents do!<\/p>\n

C12:<\/strong>\u00a0So here\u2019s my complex contribution, larded with jargon and circular clauses. Even though I\u2019m so busy with other much more important work, I\u2019m aiming for this comment to be very long. I\u2019ll make it appear even longer by including no line breaks. I know you all won\u2019t read it, and this is already increasing my frustration at never being listened to or properly recognized for all this work I don\u2019t have time for and at the same time, is crucially necessary, and at the same time, I feel so far above.<\/p>\n

OP:<\/strong> So now I\u2019m feeling really ashamed and will leave this slightly defensive comment to show it.<\/p>\n

Admin:<\/strong> C4, the rules don\u2019t allow for ad hominem attacks.<\/p>\n

C4:<\/strong> Oh yeah? Well you telling me that is the very definition of an ad hominem attack.<\/p>\n

C10:<\/strong>\u00a0The OP is getting defensive, folks. Everybody screen-cap this. It\u2019s an important dialogue that shows how off the rails the yoga world is. Don\u2019t let the OP destroy the evidence just because she doesn\u2019t like the \u201ctone\u201d of our responses. Remember folks — she’s going to be teaching out there. Think of what could happen. Just think about it. Harder. That’s not hard enough.<\/p>\n

C13 (to C10):<\/strong> Screencapping is a genius idea. You\u2019re a stand-up guy. A real hero.<\/p>\n

C10 (to C13):<\/strong> Just doing my best here. You know, like Arjuna. I\u2019m also practicing semen retention.<\/p>\n

C13: (to C10):<\/strong> Sounds so interesting. Is it uncomfortable?<\/p>\n

C10 (to C13):<\/strong> No more uncomfortable than screencapping. It’s just about storage space. If you offload later into a private group it’s all good.<\/p>\n

C5:<\/strong> Will this funny GIF lighten things up?<\/p>\n

C14:<\/strong> Are the admins watching this? Hello? I\u2019m concerned about the effect of this thread on people\u2019s willingness to ask for advice and resources.<\/p>\n

Admin (to C14):<\/strong> I usually feel like banning everybody, TBH. I fucking hate this job. Like, I totally hate it. Like you can’t even understand. Sometimes it makes me feel violent. I’m glad I’m stuck in my basement apartment or who knows what I would do. But according to the posted rules, nobody\u2019s strictly violated protocol here. So am I supposed to just suck it all up? For how long? And I\u2019m doing this for free?<\/p>\n

C3 (to Admin):<\/strong> What about diagnosing someone with narcissism in a comment thread? Is that protocol?<\/p>\n

Admin (to C3):<\/strong> Yeah we might have to sharpen up the rules.<\/p>\n

C15 (to Admin):<\/strong>\u00a0You sound like you’re under a lot of stress. Have you tried\u00a0d\u014dTERRA? PM me.<\/p>\n

C10:<\/strong> While you waste time sharpening up the \u201crules\u201d, billions of people are being severely injured in yoga classes throughout the world and possibly elsewhere because they\u2019re not going to the right workshops, and because they believe that that non-profit is protecting them like my dad would. It\u2019s happening at this very moment. You hear that ripping sound? There goes another labrum.<\/p>\n

Admin:<\/strong> Actually that was the sound of me screaming over my lonely laptop as I tear out tufts of my hipster beard. Seriously guys I\u2019m in bad shape.<\/p>\n

C13 (to C10):<\/strong> Thank you for taking a strong stand. I love that you manage to do it without mansplaining. Can you explain to me how you do that? Maybe you should be the admin, since that guy doesn\u2019t seem to have the balls for it. \u2665\u2665\u2665<\/p>\n

C7:<\/strong> Here\u2019s an inspiring picture of a celebrity doing yoga. We should all follow his humble example and unite for world peace.<\/p>\n

C3 (to C10):<\/strong> Billions of people? That sounds terrible. Do you have any data on that?<\/p>\n

C4:<\/strong> Why are my comments being deleted? And who needs data? My practice is my data. Plus all of the seriously sociopathic comments here. All I\u2019m doing is just reading \u2013 I knew yogalalaland was bad, but this is a new low.<\/p>\n

C10:<\/strong> There are some really good online workshops that go into that data. Here\u2019s an affliliate link. OMG do you hear that tearing? I can\u2019t sleep at night.<\/p>\n

C12 (to C4):<\/strong> Maybe you can’t see your comments because people are blocking you.<\/p>\n

C4 (to C11):<\/strong> Here\u2019s a long description of my outrage at the thought of being blocked! I\u2019ll go on and on, and after all kinds of verbal arm-flailing, I\u2019ll eventually get around to my main point, which is that blocking is not Satya. Or Viveka. NOBODY should block me or what I have to say. That\u2019s not Ahimsa. People should be forced to read and contemplate my random insinuations and challenges to their integrity. Otherwise we can\u2019t be in relationship, and that\u2019s not yoga. YOGA MEANS YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME. That\u2019s what sruti means, right? \u201cWhat is heard.\u201d The Rishis didn\u2019t block the srutis, did they? DID THEY?<\/p>\n

C7 (to C4):<\/strong> Using a few Sanskrit words to make yourself look superior is anti-Hindu.<\/p>\n

C3:<\/strong>\u00a0uh-oh we\u2019re getting into caps-lock territory<\/p>\n

C14:<\/strong> OP, I really appreciated your question and I hope this thread doesn\u2019t dampen your enthusiasm for yoga.<\/p>\n

C10:<\/strong> Oh sure. All we need is more \u201centhusiastic\u201d people thinking they know something about yoga. Think of all the injuries. People bleeding out of their whatever. Oh the humanity! Here\u2019s that link again. Discount ends tomorrow!<\/p>\n

OP (to C14):<\/strong> Thank you for your concern. I don\u2019t think I want to do this any more.<\/p>\n

Admin:<\/strong> Me neither. Hey you fuckers, ruining my life \u2013 how about deleting all of your stupid, whining, pre-adolescent threads? How about just deleting your accounts? I haven\u2019t survived into my forties to be thrown back into Lord-of-the-Flies-in-yoga-pants high school shit.<\/p>\n

C10:<\/strong> Screencap! Quick!<\/p>\n

C15 :\u00a0<\/strong>When I roll on my Purify d\u014dTERRA blend of jasmine, citrine, and vertiver, all the negativity around me just vanishes! I have free samples. PM me.<\/p>\n

C1:<\/strong> Screencapping just makes more vrittis, samskaras, and vasanas in the data-chitta. That\u2019s Kaliyuga for you.<\/p>\n

OP:<\/strong> [Deletes thread. Googles \u201cSomatic Experiencing\u201d.]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I usually feel like banning everybody, TBH. I fucking hate this job. Like, I totally hate it. You can’t even understand. Sometimes it makes me feel violent. I’m glad I’m stuck in my basement apartment or who knows what I would do.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":7122,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"slim_seo":[],"footnotes":""},"categories":[21,23,24,19,93],"tags":[548,50],"class_list":["post-7120","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articles","category-blog","category-featured","category-yoga","category-yoga-culture","tag-facebook","tag-yoga"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/matthewremski.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7120","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/matthewremski.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/matthewremski.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/matthewremski.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/matthewremski.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7120"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/matthewremski.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7120\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/matthewremski.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7122"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/matthewremski.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7120"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/matthewremski.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7120"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/matthewremski.com\/wordpress\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7120"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}